Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Meaningful Rage

Originally my plan for this gratitude article was to write about how my so-called character defects are actually utilized to propel my life forward. Then came the no bill indictment in the Michael Brown case and my plans changed. Instead I chose to write about the gratitude I embody for my very survival. It is abundantly clear to me that a culture rooted in racism, heterosexism, classism and misogyny has no investment in my emotional and spiritual sustainability as a Black lesbian, who is living out loud. 

As an artist and creative sometimes my rage is too big for normal sentences. In those cases only prose and poetry can loosen the noose of anger choking me and disallowing the passage of reason. It is then that I feel compelled to take pen to paper and speak my mind to free my heart. Sometimes the creativity is plentiful and other times it is just enough to shift me back into compassion. 

As our world has transformed from the industrial age to the information age, I often feel bombarded by ignorance and hatred. It is everywhere: Twitter, FaceBook, Google+ and it even seeps into my text messages. It is a laborious task to keep from spewing venom back into the mouth of the snake, with no care of its carnage. Then just as I am destined to succumb to the cycle of viciousness, I am reminded of grace, true strength, dignity and compassion. In those moments...I am saved by my art. So I write.


Today I am grateful for my very existence, despite their efforts to kill me. See, they have been trying to kill me since ancient times. 

They have been trying to kill me since my name was SekhmetOshunSaarjie BaartmanAmarinta Ross, or Audre Lorde. 

They have been trying to kill me because my voice is that of a light-bringer, a consciousness-shifter and world-changer. But I am still here. Maybe I won't be in 20 years, maybe I won't be a year from now, or even tomorrow. 
But..today...I am still here. 

The "they" that I speak of are the dark ones, the negative forces, the racists, the oppressers, the despots, the ones whose ignorance and fear serves as a guide for their actions and supersedes their logic. Them...they...those ones who know exactly who they are, despite their ever-present denial to my face. I will defy you...

I will defy you with my sheer determination to stand upright and straight-backed in the face of brokenness.

I will defy you with my ingenuity to create nations out of nothing and morph magnificence out of malevolence.

I will defy you by holding hands with my beloved on the streets of the elite and shattering your unrighteous laws with my joy.

I will defy you by reincarnating with perpetual greatness and evolving beyond your recognition.

See you cannot kill me for my Earthly existence is an illusion. And when your hatred seeks my destruction...I will defy you with my very existence and my will to be all that I am called here to be...
for whatever time that I be.

Shem Em Hetep!
Imani Evans, MA, CLC

Thursday, September 11, 2014

A Reaction to Ray & Janay Rice: Michelle Dowell-Vest

If you are like me, yesterday your morning social media blitz gave you the TMZ video of Ray Rice hitting his then fiancĂ©,  now wife,  with a blow that not only crushed her face but his career and quite possibly her spirit.   I watched in horror as he picked her up, tried to remove her from the elevator, realize he didn't know know what to do with her limp body only to drop her and close the elevator door.   A few minutes later the door opens again,  he drags her half way out then drops her in the door so that it works as a prop to keep the elevator door open.  He was met by a random man.   We can't hear audio so it's tough to know what was said or how he explained what looked like a dead woman hanging half way out of the elevator.  I would love to talk to that man.  I would like to know what he saw and thought at that moment.  Was he shocked?  Did he want to help?  Did he recognize Ray Rice as a Raven’s Running Back?  Because it didn't seem like he was that concerned.

That image is burned into my mind.  Janay Rice.  Laying there, limp, her skirt almost above her waist, ignoring her modesty as if she were not worthy of it.  I admit I watched that video a few times.  This was the first I had heard about Ray Rice and the incident between him and his wife.  I don’t watch the news much and this one escaped me. However, I researched and found this helpful timeline of the events.  I admit it, I got sucked into a rabbit hole of social media discourse. Today I spent a lot of time on Twitter. More time than usual.  I have come to trust Twitter as the pulse of the community and a real life news commentary around hot topics.   

I experienced a deluge of emotion today.  I was happy the Ravens released him and the NFL suspended him, but couldn't help but think it was done for show. Why did they protect him with such a light suspension?  Why did they force Janay Rice to apologize for her role in the situation?    I was angry at men who defended him, but then my heart was warmed by the flood of men sending encouraging words to Janay Riceand decalring their commitment to fighting against DV.  I felt a kinship with women as they told their stories on twitter using the hashtags #WhyIStayed & #WhyILeft.  I was proud of women , including two close friends, who bravely told their stories of abuse in the effort to diminish the silence and shame that ever so often fills the space when  one is being abused.


However, my biggest heartbreak today came from other women.  Women who victim blamed and shamed Janay Rice for staying.  Listen, I get it.  I know its hard to understand why a woman would stay with anyone who abused them.  Our instinct is to run as far away
as we can as fast as we can, to save ourselves and our children. I also understand that we are conditioned to believe that somehow women who are abused probably deserve it.  Somehow she provoked him.  I learned that some of us still believe the Harpo message of wife discipline that says that sometimes a stubborn woman needs a beating to remember who is in charge.  I learned that many believe that a women who married a wealthy man should shut up and take it and if she is beaten that she gets what she deserves for being a gold digger.  I saw so many women attack other survivors and boldly state that a woman who would go back deserves everything that is coming to her.    We believe its none of our business and we turn to sip our tea.  Those statements may seem a little archaic to evolve and independent women, but that is exactly what I read time and time again yesterday.  


When will we realize that for many,  leaving is not as simple as packing a bag and walking out of the door.  Where is our heart for hurting women?  Why is our compassion so diluted by the need to judge her and other abused women?  This isn’t just about Janay Rice, this is about every woman who is being abused right now.

Imagine a life that looks like this: (www.womenshealth.gov)

Your partner:
  • Monitors what you're doing all the time
  • Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time
  • Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family
  • Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
  • Gets very angry during and after drinking alcohol or using drugs
  • Controls how you spend your money
  • Controls your use of needed medicines
  • Decides things for you that you should be allowed to decide (like what to wear or eat)
  • Humiliates you in front of others
  • Destroys your property or things that you care about
  • Threatens to hurt you, the children, or pets
  • Hurts you (by hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting)
  • Uses (or threatens to use) a weapon against you
  • Forces you to have sex against your will
  • Controls your birth control or insists that you get pregnant
  • Blames you for his or her violent outbursts
  • Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you
  • Says things like, "If I can't have you then no one can."
A life like this happens in a variety of ways.  Sometimes it can happen almost instantly abut most often  its the slow process of conditioning.  The level of fear that lives with a woman when she is being abused is unimaginable.  I know.  I have lived through it twice.  Once with my ex-husband and once with an ex-girlfriend.  The reasons I stayed and left were complicated and different for each situation.  What was similar was that each time I was full of shame and guilt and it was those two emotions that played a serious factor in both my staying and leaving.  In the end, I left my ex husband because I didn’t want my daughter to believe abuse was the norm.  I left my ex girlfriend because I found my voice and would no longer stand for her abuse.  Both times, took years and I was filled with fear.  Neither times was leaving easy.  
My message here is not to try and change the beliefs of women who want to blame Janay for not leaving.  Thats a huge task because we have become so desensitized to violence and specifically violence against women, that unless these women are exposed to the pain, fear and desperate nature of abuse they simply won’t understand.  My prayer is that they never have wear the shoes and carry the luggage of abuse.  I do hope their heart would soften enough to hear the women in their life who may secretly be hurting because their voice has been stolen. It’s a fact that 1 in 4 women are abused.  Chances are, someone they know is being abused right now.  My hope is that they can see their pain and let go of their need to judge and lend a hand. My hope is that we learn to lovingly support other women in times like this.
My message here to is to the women like me, who need to hear that there is hope.  My message is to women who need to know they are worthy of safety and love.  My message is to let you know that there is help when you are ready.  There are women who won’t blame you no matter how many times you went back because we understand the draw to go back and the cycle of abuse.
There is an army of women who won’t accuse you of provoking your abuser.  We are here to remind you that God would never be ok with you staying in an abusive marriage.  We want you to know that you are strong enough to stand on your own and when you can’t you are not alone.  We want to say that your family does love and miss you.  We understand that leaving will be the most scary and dangerous thing you may ever do but you don’t have to do it alone.  We will be here to tell you that love doesn’t have to hurt like this.  
We want you to know that you don’t have to be silent.  You don’t have to carry shame.  You don’t have to carry guilt.  You are powerful.  
My message is to the women who need to hear it.  
You are not alone.  
We will not blame you.  
If you are in an abusive relationship, please find someone you can trust and ask for help.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a ton of resource to help you find your way out.  Call them 1-800-799-7233 or visit them at www.thehotline.org. There is hope and you don’t have to do this alone.  
Michelle Alexander
Founder, A Gurlz Guide
Michelle@agurlzguide.org
FIND HER ON FACEBOOK
FOLLOW HER ON TWITTER
* Serves on the board for Women Healing Women, Inc.
www.surviving2thriving.org

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I AM Powerful


There are days that my power seems more elusive than I would like. Then there are days when I feel the depth and breadth of my power at a visceral level. But whatever side of my consciousness I wake up on, each day I seek to affirm the truth as I know it; And the truth as I know it is that I am a manifestation of all that is. I am a dynamic drop of the most omnipotent force in the universe. I am powerful. I am constantly and consistently co-creating all that I experience. However, I am not discouraged by knowing that pain and discomfort are a choice, because so too are joy and bliss. Thus, I can take a deep breath and exhale saying, I am powerful! When I do this I remember that "I AM" is a mantra and prayer. So anything that comes after the prolific I AM is my request to the universe.  When I fully stand in this "knowingness", I am the personification of gratitude and love, which conquers all things.  Below is one of my favorite Marianne Williamson quotes perfect for starting each and every day.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"
Metta,
Imani Evans, MA
Women Healing Women, Inc.
imani@surviving2thriving.org
www.surviving2thriving.org
404.944.6409
Imani's Press Kit



Monday, August 11, 2014

What happens when funny isn't about HAPPY? RIP Robin Williams



Wow, I feel strangely and deeply impacted by the alleged suicide of Robin Williams. It isn’t that I ever met him in person, or can even claim to be his number one fan. But I am an admirer of his work and, more importantly, I admire a world where a personality as big and as unique as Robin Williams can exist and succeed. It is no mistake that his breakout role was with Mork, in Mork & Mindy, because his personality was so big that he often looked like an alien in real life. If you want to find yourself really amused, go back and watch some of his early interviews. Talk about hilarious! But what was funnier than this his comedy was watching the interviewer try to control Robin on the stage. Impossible! I loved that about him. 

His death also hits home to me on another level, if in fact it turns out to be a confirmed suicide. As someone in the mental health profession and one who has had my own battles with depression at times, I am reminded of how effective the masks we wear can be at covering up our pain. It is critical that we find places where we can take off the mask and be our whole selves; be compassionately witnessed, validated and authentic. This need is so essential to our being that when it is unavailable we can feel lost. As is often the case when trauma impacts celebrities, there will be lots of media speculation and propaganda. If we can find anything useful from this spectacle that is sure to unfold (often without any compassion for the surviving loved ones), then I hope we take this as an opportunity to check in with our loved ones. Take this opportunity to check in to make sure a smile is really a smile and a laugh is really a laugh. Make sure that being funny isn't someone’s cry for help. Allow someone to take off the mask and be seen without judgment. Conversely, be willing to take off the mask and be vulnerable to receive love, help, or understanding. 

In the meantime, I will sit at my computer and replay segments of Mork and Mindy, Jumanji and especially the hysterical Mrs. Doubtfire as a way of honoring the legacy of this comedian, humanitarian and fellow human being. Rest in peace, Robin Williams.

In the spirit of love & community,
Imani Evans, MA







Friday, July 11, 2014

It is time to exhale!


“Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.” ― Daniell Koepke

I have battled insomnia for many years now. Sleep deprivation is the catalyst for so many dis-eases. One of the tools I use to help clear my mind and allow my mind, body and spirit to relax for magnificent rejuvenation is mediation music. Here is one of my favorites:
Imani Evans, MA

Monday, May 19, 2014

Kwietha Bolden on Take Back Your Body

If you missed the wonderful TAKE BACK YOUR BODY interview with AWESOME PERSONAL TRAINER Kwietha Bolden by Imani Evans check it out here! 
Great information and conversation...