A Reaction to Ray & Janay Rice: Michelle Dowell-Vest

If you are like me, yesterday your morning social media blitz gave you the TMZ video of Ray Rice hitting his then fiancé,  now wife,  with a blow that not only crushed her face but his career and quite possibly her spirit.   I watched in horror as he picked her up, tried to remove her from the elevator, realize he didn't know know what to do with her limp body only to drop her and close the elevator door.   A few minutes later the door opens again,  he drags her half way out then drops her in the door so that it works as a prop to keep the elevator door open.  He was met by a random man.   We can't hear audio so it's tough to know what was said or how he explained what looked like a dead woman hanging half way out of the elevator.  I would love to talk to that man.  I would like to know what he saw and thought at that moment.  Was he shocked?  Did he want to help?  Did he recognize Ray Rice as a Raven’s Running Back?  Because it didn't seem like he was that concerned.

That image is burned into my mind.  Janay Rice.  Laying there, limp, her skirt almost above her waist, ignoring her modesty as if she were not worthy of it.  I admit I watched that video a few times.  This was the first I had heard about Ray Rice and the incident between him and his wife.  I don’t watch the news much and this one escaped me. However, I researched and found this helpful timeline of the events.  I admit it, I got sucked into a rabbit hole of social media discourse. Today I spent a lot of time on Twitter. More time than usual.  I have come to trust Twitter as the pulse of the community and a real life news commentary around hot topics.   

I experienced a deluge of emotion today.  I was happy the Ravens released him and the NFL suspended him, but couldn't help but think it was done for show. Why did they protect him with such a light suspension?  Why did they force Janay Rice to apologize for her role in the situation?    I was angry at men who defended him, but then my heart was warmed by the flood of men sending encouraging words to Janay Riceand decalring their commitment to fighting against DV.  I felt a kinship with women as they told their stories on twitter using the hashtags #WhyIStayed & #WhyILeft.  I was proud of women , including two close friends, who bravely told their stories of abuse in the effort to diminish the silence and shame that ever so often fills the space when  one is being abused.

However, my biggest heartbreak today came from other women.  Women who victim blamed and shamed Janay Rice for staying.  Listen, I get it.  I know its hard to understand why a woman would stay with anyone who abused them.  Our instinct is to run as far away

as we can as fast as we can, to save ourselves and our children. I also understand that we are conditioned to believe that somehow women who are abused probably deserve it.  Somehow she provoked him.  I learned that some of us still believe the Harpo message of wife discipline that says that sometimes a stubborn woman needs a beating to remember who is in charge.  I learned that many believe that a women who married a wealthy man should shut up and take it and if she is beaten that she gets what she deserves for being a gold digger.  I saw so many women attack other survivors and boldly state that a woman who would go back deserves everything that is coming to her.    We believe its none of our business and we turn to sip our tea.  Those statements may seem a little archaic to evolve and independent women, but that is exactly what I read time and time again yesterday.  

When will we realize that for many,  leaving is not as simple as packing a bag and walking out of the door.  Where is our heart for hurting women?  Why is our compassion so diluted by the need to judge her and other abused women?  This isn’t just about Janay Rice, this is about every woman who is being abused right now.

Imagine a life that looks like this: (www.womenshealth.gov)

Your partner:

• Monitors what you're doing all the time
• Unfairly accuses you of being unfaithful all the time
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family
• Prevents or discourages you from going to work or school
• Gets very angry during and after drinking alcohol or using drugs
• Controls how you spend your money
• Controls your use of needed medicines
• Decides things for you that you should be allowed to decide (like what to wear or eat)
• Humiliates you in front of others
• Destroys your property or things that you care about
• Threatens to hurt you, the children, or pets
• Hurts you (by hitting, beating, pushing, shoving, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting)
• Uses (or threatens to use) a weapon against you
• Forces you to have sex against your will
• Controls your birth control or insists that you get pregnant
• Blames you for his or her violent outbursts
• Threatens to harm himself or herself when upset with you
• Says things like, "If I can't have you then no one can."

A life like this happens in a variety of ways.  Sometimes it can happen almost instantly abut most often  its the slow process of conditioning.  The level of fear that lives with a woman when she is being abused is unimaginable.  I know.  I have lived through it twice.  Once with my ex-husband and once with an ex-girlfriend.  The reasons I stayed and left were complicated and different for each situation.  What was similar was that each time I was full of shame and guilt and it was those two emotions that played a serious factor in both my staying and leaving.  In the end, I left my ex husband because I didn’t want my daughter to believe abuse was the norm.  I left my ex girlfriend because I found my voice and would no longer stand for her abuse.  Both times, took years and I was filled with fear.  Neither times was leaving easy.  

My message here is not to try and change the beliefs of women who want to blame Janay for not leaving.  Thats a huge task because we have become so desensitized to violence and specifically violence against women, that unless these women are exposed to the pain, fear and desperate nature of abuse they simply won’t understand.  My prayer is that they never have wear the shoes and carry the luggage of abuse.  I do hope their heart would soften enough to hear the women in their life who may secretly be hurting because their voice has been stolen. It’s a fact that 1 in 4 women are abused.  Chances are, someone they know is being abused right now.  My hope is that they can see their pain and let go of their need to judge and lend a hand. My hope is that we learn to lovingly support other women in times like this.

My message here to is to the women like me, who need to hear that there is hope.  My message is to women who need to know they are worthy of safety and love.  My message is to let you know that there is help when you are ready.  There are women who won’t blame you no matter how many times you went back because we understand the draw to go back and the cycle of abuse.

There is an army of women who won’t accuse you of provoking your abuser.  We are here to remind you that God would never be ok with you staying in an abusive marriage.  We want you to know that you are strong enough to stand on your own and when you can’t you are not alone.  We want to say that your family does love and miss you.  We understand that leaving will be the most scary and dangerous thing you may ever do but you don’t have to do it alone.  We will be here to tell you that love doesn’t have to hurt like this.  

We want you to know that you don’t have to be silent.  You don’t have to carry shame.  You don’t have to carry guilt.  You are powerful.  

My message is to the women who need to hear it.  

You are not alone.  

We will not blame you.  

If you are in an abusive relationship, please find someone you can trust and ask for help.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a ton of resource to help you find your way out.  Call them 1-800-799-7233 or visit them at www.thehotline.org. There is hope and you don’t have to do this alone.  

Michelle Alexander

Founder, A Gurlz Guide

www.agurlzguide.org

Michelle@agurlzguide.org
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* Serves on the board for Women Healing Women, Inc.
www.surviving2thriving.org