CHOKED ON THE BUS: Surviving "Everyday" Violence

Even as I sit to write this story I must acknowledge that I am still affected by it. I’m not affected in the same way as on that traumatc day, but my passion is fueled by it and my heart's memory is still green. It drives me to do my small part in building a world of peace. In that regard, this terrible experience has purpose. And part of that purpose is manifested in my willingness to share my truth with you and your willingness to hold space for me as a reader---For that I am grateful.

My story begins with a day like most other commuter days for me back in 1993. I was living in East Orange, New Jersey and working in New York. I was born in Trenton and lived a great deal of my adult life between Trenton and Newark. So none of the commuter danger was foreign to me. The commute, the people, the energy and even the risks, were all too familiar to me.  Believe it or not, commuting also brought a lot of joys with it as well; such as meeting new people, the comfort of seeing the same friendly strangers every day and the opportunity to people-watch without the woes of daily traffic.

THEN THINGS CHANGED: On this day I got off work early in New York and made my way back to Newark via the Path train. It was only 1 o’clock in the afternoon so I figured I’d do a little bit of downtown shopping. I walked around for a bit but found nothing of interest…honestly, I was probably more interested in the stroll and people watching than I was in purchasing anything. I walked to the corner to catch the bus that would take me home, to Prospect Street.

As the bus arrived the line of people waiting to get on had quickly formed; everyone wanted to find a good seat. I hustled my way forward and made it to what was ultimately the middle of the line. There were quite a few people in front of me and in back. I was standing there with the usual “mind my own business” glare that you acquire as part of your survival in city-living. 

Suddenly I felt an aggressive choking sensation around my neck that sent me immediately into shock. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but I was sure that the sensation felt like someone was gagging me. Oh my God--Someone was choking me! Was I about to die right here on line for the bus? In those brief moments it took me to understand what was happening, I froze. My body was frozen but my mind was racing.

Just as I began to react by turning around to see who was doing this, I realized someone was trying to steal the necklace off my neck. My necklace was a gold Bismarck chain that I had spent quite a bit of money on...and was proud to own. It was thick and hard to pull off, especially LIKE THIS! This predator had clearly decided that MY necklace should belong to him, with no care or concern for the potential injury to my neck. He pulled. And he pulled. And he pulled.

Before I had any real cognitive thoughts, my reflexes sent my hands to my neck for protection. Finally the necklace popped…POP! Oddly enough I could hear the snap like a firecracker near my ear. In that moment this thief also grabbed my purse. Fortunately, I had just taken my wallet out of the purse in order to show my monthly bus pass to the driver. My purse was on my right shoulder and the wallet was clutched in my left hand, which at that point was at my neck.

When I was finally able to turn around, I got a brief glimpse of him running and people making a path for his escape. He made his escape through the crowd standing behind me just as he did before the attack. Still in shock, I was able to put 1 foot in front of the other to get on the bus. I made no sound, but was acutely aware of the sounds around me. More accurately, I was acutely aware of the lack of sounds around me. There was no one shouting, “Are you okay?” There was no one rushing to my aid. This sea of brown people…brown like me…my people…they made me invisible on that day.

As I set down on the bus and raised my head to look around, I realized that most people had continued their well-taught “mind my own business” glare. No one even offered a compassionate stare to meet my pain. I felt so many feelings in that moment: anger, rage, violated, embarrassed, lonely and ashamed of not being able to protect myself. Tears streamed down my eyes and I knew that the theft was not the sole cause for my weeping. This violation was so much deeper than that. No these were ancient tears…the weeping of ancestors who fought hard for all of us only to bear witness to such terrorism between brothers and sisters. My soul was wounded and my heart was broken on that day. I cried in silence all the way to Prospect Street.

I stepped off the bus different than when I stepped on. Although the thief in this story stole my property and my naive sense of safety, he didn't steal my unwavering commitment to see and be the love I want to experience in the world. He didn't steal my commitment and belief in PEACE. --- ©2014 all rights reserved

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Ankh-Udja-Seneb!

Imani Evans, MA, EdDc
CHANGE ACTIVIST / SPEAKER / AUTHOR

Women Healing Women, Inc.

501 (C)3 Non-Profit Organization

www.surviving2thriving.org

Empowered Squared, Inc.

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The Audacity to Do Nothing! Self-care for Busy Women

I am currently on a staycation (until mid-August) to restore my soul. I have been exhausted at a cellular level for years. If you’ve ever experienced this feeling then you will know that it is not resolved by merely sleeping. I have always been multi-interested, multi-stimulated and, thus, always multi-tasking. It is how my brain works; what a glorious gift from God (seriously)! BUT everything has a breaking point. And there are times when the bucket gets filled to the max and begins rapidly spilling over, which puts my very sanity at risk. It has definitely shown up in my health as discomfort and dis-ease.

So here I am. I took off work for 2-weeks to do absolutely nothing…except whatever I want to do, whenever and however I want to do it!!!! Now…none of this has been easy, which is why I felt compelled to share this experience with anyone willing to stop multitasking, for just a moment, to read this. See, I know I am not the only one trying to wrestle the superwoman cape off of my back and rip it shreds! LOL

The first four days was spent responding to essential tasks that I neglected during my numbed-out period. I then informed people in my circle that I was taking a break to restore my soul, body and mind. I even stopped taking appointments, meetings, etc. This is atypical, because I would usually stop my main “job” but not my other stuff (community work, vision work, etc.). NOT THIS TIME…This time even in the face of my guilt-driven-save-the-world-complex, I am telling clients – NO, I am telling friends – NO, and the list goes on. Interestingly enough it is not just me who is grappling with my time to do nothing. I keep getting questions like…”So, what are you doing today?” And maybe it is just me but it reads like…”surely you are going to do something today and not just waste time, right?” WRONG, PEOPLE! Ask me how I am feeling on my time off…but don’t ask me the “what” question.

I am doing NOTHING…nothing today, nothing tomorrow…nothing until and unless I feel otherwise.

I have been working since age 14 like many people in my age group; I am tired. But that isn’t what gives me the audacity to attempt the art of doing nothing. It is a human right. It is a birthright. It is a right that allows us to restore ourselves to our bodies and the connectedness to all things.  It is essential to quiet the brigade of thoughts urging us that we are lazy, wasting time, or slacking off. I reject those thoughts starting today.

Today I am embracing the right to heal my soul, the right to sleep, the right to sit, ponder and only “play it by ear”. I am making no plans unless they can be readily canceled if my need to do nothing needs to take precedent. There are people who want answers to things, have questions, are wondering why I haven’t responded---well, this is why. I am working on shaking off the numbness so that I can re-enter my body…all while doing absolutely NOTHING.

I HOPE YOU GET YOUR “NOTHING” ON 

WHEN NEEDED TOO.  Thanks for letting me vent! J

Nya Akoma! (Take Heart)

Imani Evans, MA, EdDc

imani@surviving2thriving.org

www.imanievans.com

www.surviving2thriving.org

Meaningful Rage

Originally my plan for this gratitude article was to write about how my so-called character defects are actually utilized to propel my life forward. Then came the no bill indictment in the Michael Brown case and my plans changed. Instead I chose to write about the gratitude I embody for my very survival. It is abundantly clear to me that a culture rooted in racism, heterosexism, classism and misogyny has no investment in my emotional and spiritual sustainability as a Black lesbian, who is living out loud. 

As an artist and creative sometimes my rage is too big for normal sentences. In those cases only prose and poetry can loosen the noose of anger choking me and disallowing the passage of reason. It is then that I feel compelled to take pen to paper and speak my mind to free my heart. Sometimes the creativity is plentiful and other times it is just enough to shift me back into compassion. 

As our world has transformed from the industrial age to the information age, I often feel bombarded by ignorance and hatred. It is everywhere: Twitter, FaceBook, Google+ and it even seeps into my text messages. It is a laborious task to keep from spewing venom back into the mouth of the snake, with no care of its carnage. Then just as I am destined to succumb to the cycle of viciousness, I am reminded of grace, true strength, dignity and compassion. In those moments...I am saved by my art. So I write.

Rage - As Yet Untitled
(You can listen to the audio of this piece - click here)

Today I am grateful for my very existence, despite their efforts to kill me. See, they have been trying to kill me since ancient times. 

They have been trying to kill me since my name was Sekhmet, Oshun, Saarjie Baartman, Amarinta Ross, or Audre Lorde. 

They have been trying to kill me because my voice is that of a light-bringer, a consciousness-shifter and world-changer. But I am still here. Maybe I won't be in 20 years, maybe I won't be a year from now, or even tomorrow. 

But..today...I am still here. 

The "they" that I speak of are the dark ones, the negative forces, the racists, the oppressers, the despots, the ones whose ignorance and fear serves as a guide for their actions and supersedes their logic. Them...they...those ones who know exactly who they are, despite their ever-present denial to my face. I will defy you...

I will defy you with my sheer determination to stand upright and straight-backed in the face of brokenness.

I will defy you with my ingenuity to create nations out of nothing and morph magnificence out of malevolence.

I will defy you by holding hands with my beloved on the streets of the elite and shattering your unrighteous laws with my joy.

I will defy you by reincarnating with perpetual greatness and evolving beyond your recognition.

See you cannot kill me for my Earthly existence is an illusion. And when your hatred seeks my destruction...I will defy you with my very existence and my will to be all that I am called here to be...

for whatever time that I be.

Shem Em Hetep!

Imani Evans, MA, CLC

www.imanievans.com

www.surviving2thriving.org

Imani's Press Kit

I AM Powerful

There are days that my power seems more elusive than I would like. Then there are days when I feel the depth and breadth of my power at a visceral level. But whatever side of my consciousness I wake up on, each day I seek to affirm the truth as I know it; And the truth as I know it is that I am a manifestation of all that is. I am a dynamic drop of the most omnipotent force in the universe. I am powerful. I am constantly and consistently co-creating all that I experience. However, I am not discouraged by knowing that pain and discomfort are a choice, because so too are joy and bliss. Thus, I can take a deep breath and exhale saying, I am powerful! When I do this I remember that "I AM" is a mantra and prayer. So anything that comes after the prolific I AM is my request to the universe.  When I fully stand in this "knowingness", I am the personification of gratitude and love, which conquers all things.  Below is one of my favorite Marianne Williamson quotes perfect for starting each and every day.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Metta,
Imani Evans, MA
Women Healing Women, Inc.
imani@surviving2thriving.org
www.surviving2thriving.org
404.944.6409
Imani's Press Kit

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It is time to exhale!

“Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people away. I wanted people to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honour my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.” ― Daniell Koepke

I have battled insomnia for many years now. Sleep deprivation is the catalyst for so many dis-eases. One of the tools I use to help clear my mind and allow my mind, body and spirit to relax for magnificent rejuvenation is mediation music. Here is one of my favorites:
Imani Evans, MA

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Post by Women Healing Women, Inc.

Self-Care Quick Tip for Women #1

Welcome to your nurturing nugget for the soul...

SELF-CARE TIP FOR WOMEN #1

"The only thing selfish about SELF-CARE is not making yourself a priority, but expecting others to do so. Put yourself first on the nurturing list so that you recognize when others are not." 
Imani Evans

MY FAVORITE SELF-CARE RESOURCE:
Right now I am really embracing the need for authenticity and vulnerability as a gateway for healing, from ANYTHING.  To that end my current favorite resource is, quite frankly, anything by Brene Brown. (SEE VIDEO BELOW)

Imani Evans, MA
Empowerment Coach/Performer/Blogger
Self-Care for Dynamic Women Blog
Women Healing Women Website
imani@surviving2thriving.org
REFLECTIONS E-JOURNAL FOR WOMEN

A recent interview with Imani on Can We Talk For Real:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/he-say-she-saynow-what-do-you-say/2013/07/25/woman-healing-woman-inc

VIDEO: Brene Brown on TED

The Fine Art of Self-Care For Dynamic Women 7/27

Workshop Details

“The Fine Art of Self-Care For Dynamic Women”

Description of workshop (PRINT FRIENDLY DOWNLOAD)

The Fine Art of Self-Care for Dynamic Women!  This presentation is designed for women

with big hearts, big visions, big responsibilities and energetic lives who are seeking BALANCE. It is an interactive workshop designed specifically for dynamic women…the overwhelmed, overworked, perfectionist, and the “fixer” types that we all can be at different times. Are you the “go-to” woman at work? Do your children, family, or partner lean on you to be the problem solver? Are you the unsung volunteer of the year in your community work? Do you sometimes neglect yourself and are often too overwhelmed to do any thing about it? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions…this workshop is for YOU! We are so busy solving problems for others that we forget to nurture our most significant relationship…the one we have with ourselves. This workshop will use fun, interactive exercises to help restore balance and find ways to nurture yourself so that you might continue to manifest your life’s purpose and call to others. What have you done for YOU lately?

Workshop details

Learning objectives

q   Participants will learn:

o        How to utilize a life-enriching definition of self-care

o        To identify the two biggest barriers to self-care: the “superwoman trap” and stress

o        The 10 take-home tips for creating balance and taking care of self

o        Identify their own self-care traps and support

This is a three-hour workshop designed for a maximum group of 30 women, conducted in an interactive format.

Cost: $35.00 (Fundraiser for Women Healing Women, Inc.)

Location: Little 5 Points Community Center, 
1083 Austin Ave., 

Atlanta, GA 30307 in 005.

Date: Saturday, July 27, 2013 / 10:30am-1:30pm

Facilitator: Imani Evans, MA

404.944.6409
*APPLY FOR A SCHOLARSHIP HERE*

Participants will engage in the following activities:

q   What’s on your plate?

q   Brief guided meditation

q   360 degrees of support

q   Affirmation Whispers

q   Life-Box exercise

q   Making A Personal Commitment

q   Design your own self-care plan

q   meditation

Participants will receive:

q   Workshop binder

q   PowerPoint presentation hand-outs

**Refreshments and snacks 

Audiences

This workshop is open to all.  The primary target will be women late 20’s to 60’s.

Where & when the session has been previously presented

Workshop was presented at the We Are One Conference in North Carolina, in April 2012   (Infinity Diamond Club) and at workshop on June 16, 2012 at the Hyatt Peachtree Atlanta, Regency V for the 40 Plus and Fabulous, FABU Academy event and June 30, 2012 at the Little 5 Points Community Center.

Here is what others are saying...

Or Watch the Video Testimonial from Life Coach, Alicia Waters (Alicia was one of 5 scholarships awarded)...

SELF-LOVE VERSUS SELF-SACRIFICE

 Like many women I was raised by a well-meaning martyr for a mother. Unknowingly, she taught me how to use guilt, passive aggressiveness and victimization as a means to an end. Now don’t get me wrong I do not believe that as an intelligent woman, which my mother is, she would ever confess to such a thing. But as I have blossomed into my own womanhood, and intelligence, it has become abundantly clear--that is exactly what it was. In a lot of ways I have rebelled against this thinking. And in some ways I am still grappling with it.

What is clear is that I do not believe there is some high honor in self-sacrifice as an everyday practice and way of life. I don’t believe that the pearly gates of some blissful afterlife open up because you were willing to give up yourself for others. This is not to say that we don’t all have truly altruistic moments and or needs to assist others. We do. I do. We do these things on a regular basis and it is an expression of our humanity. 

However what I’m talking about is the everyday unworthiness to lay down on the tracks for people, places and things that do not deserve nor warrant such sacrifice. I am talking about those of us who choose not to put ourselves first and then wear it like a badge of honor. It is my hope to disempower this belief for myself and any other woman who espouses this concept. Instead it is my hope that we all find a place of balance wherein self-love, self-care and the pursuit of personal wellness are the highest priorities. The most loving thing we can teach our children is how to love and care for self. I am sure we have all heard the saying, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. However, if you don’t treat yourself well why would you expect anyone to do otherwise? We teach people how to treat us by what we allow and what they see us do for ourselves.

So here’s the take away: Create a wholistic self-care plan that covers the way you treat yourself, mind, body and soul. Write it down and share with your inner circle for accountability and support. Revisit your plan periodically so that it remains adaptable and flexible to your highest good.

I wish you well on your self-care journey.

Nya Akoma! (Take heart)

Imani Evans

CEO/Women Healing Women, Inc.
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